RUBI X: # her too 

 

 

 

 

HEGEL’S BAGELS – LEIF’s office

 

                                                                        LEIF examines Rubi’s application.

 

 

LEIF

Thanks for waiting.  Leif Green.

 

RUBI

Rubi.

 

LEIF

Have a seat Rubi.

School?

 

 

RUBI

School? (I’m emancipated. That’s right, free at last, thank the superintendent almighty, I’m free at last!   I, have left the building. The school building for good-- to pursue my education, thank you very much.)

 

Uh, G.E.D.

 

LEIF

Schedule conflicts?

 

RUBI

Nope. 

 

LEIF

Soonest you could start?

 

RUBI

Anytime.

 

                                                                        Beat.

 

LEIF

Good. Very good.  Do you know what a Freudian is?

 

RUBI

 A shrink?  I mean a—

 

LEIF

That’s good, good guess a Freudian is someone who believes that everything we think and do stems from our sex drive, let’s see …how old are you…79 minus 1962 equals…

 

                        LEIF                                                                RUBI

Seventeen.                                                                   Seventeen.

 

RUBI

Almost eighteen.

 

LEIF

Good. I’m a Freudian. Does that make you uncomfortable?

 

RUBI

No. Should it?

 

LEIF

Absolutely not. Tell me Rubi, do you feel safe here?

 

RUBI

Yeah, why not?

 

LEIF

What makes you feel safe, right here? Right now?

 

RUBI

I don’t know…it’s 2:00 in the afternoon? We’re in a public building? There’s a whole bunch of people in the restaurant?  The building looks safe?

 

LEIF

Good.  You’re right on all accounts. I’m glad you feel safe. Look, Rubi, I can tell you can do the job.  You have experience, references, you’re bright but there’s something else I’m looking for in my employees. This is a restaurant. I feed people. Mostly university people, students, professors…all adults, all thinking, feeling adults. And that’s the staff I hire, thinking, feeling adults. Without shame. Can I see your breasts?

 

RUBI

What?

 

LEIF

Your tits. Would you lift your blouse and let me see them?

 

RUBI

……………Why?

 

LEIF

Why not?

 

RUBI

No, I don’t think so.

 

LEIF

Here’s fifty dollars. Let me look at your tits for two seconds, one second per tit, and you can have the fifty.

 

RUBI

Uh, no.

 

LEIF

Okay. No harm no foul. Don’t worry that doesn’t mean I’m not going to hire you.

Rubi, how would you feel if a man walked in this room right now and took off all of his clothes?

 

RUBI

How would I feel?  I don’t know.  Is he crazy? An exhibitionist?  A nudist?

 

LEIF

How many lovers have you had?

 

RUBI

……..

How many lovers have you had?

 

LEIF

Hundreds. I love sex.  Now you, how many?

 

RUBI

Not hundreds.

 

LEIF

More than fifty?

 

                                                                        Rubi shakes her head no.

 

More than twenty?

 

                                                                        Rubi shakes her head no.

 

More than ten?   

                                

                                                                        Rubi shakes her head no.

 

Are you a virgin?   

                                        

                                                                        Rubi shakes her head no.

 

Good. I didn’t think so.

Rubi, are you ashamed of your tits? I hope not, you have some great tits. Rubi what would you do if a man took out his erect penis and stroked it right now?

 

 

                                                                        Rubi shrugs.

 

What would you do if one of my waitresses came in here right now, took off her panties and sat on my lap?

 

                                                                        Rubi shrugs.

 

What would you do if someone offered to pay you $500.00 to suck your tits?

 

RUBI

I know what I think I’d do, but it’s all hypothetical, isn’t it?  I mean, I don’t think anybody really knows what they’d do or say in any given situation until they’re actually in it, right? … What would Hegel say?

 

LEIF

God you’re smart! And you’re right except it isn’t hypothetical anymore. 

 

Here, here’s $500.00.   One, two, three, four, five one-hundred dollar bills.  Take them. Here, in your hand; what do they feel like?

 

RUBI

Like five little pieces of paper. Here, I don’t want them.

 

                                                           

                                                                        Rubi puts the money down.

 

LEIF

Really?  Maybe you’re not so smart, I mean, I’d do all the work, you get all the money and all the pleasure, you just have to let me suck your tits, for one minute…unless you’d want more.

 

RUBI

No.

 

LEIF

Okay. You’re driving a hard bargain, but I think you’d be worth it.

 

LEIF writes a check and hands it to Rubi.

 

RUBI  (cautiously amused)

Three thousand dollars. Right.

 

LEIF

That’s right. We make love, three thousand dollars for you.

 

                                                                        Beat.

 

RUBI

Aren’t you worried I might get pregnant?

 

LEIF

No!  Kids have never been in my picture.  I had a vasectomy two years ago.  I’ll show you the doctor’s bill.

 

RUBI

What about… herpes?

 

                                                                        LEIF produces a string of condoms.

 

LEIF

I don’t know where you’ve been, any more than you know where I’ve been.

 

RUBI

Nah. I wouldn’t even be able to spend the money without everyone, like my parents wondering where I got that much.

 

LEIF

Is that it?  Look, I’ll put it in a special account for you.  No one will know. Surely you can find ways to spend it in small increments?

 

RUBI

No. that’s not for me. 

 

She hands him back the check. LEIF rips it in two.

 

                                                                        Beat.

 

LEIF places the five one-hundred dollar bills in a row. Moves one bill toward Rubi.

 

LEIF

A hundred.  You do nothing.

Just sit there.

While I jack off.

 

                                                                        Beat.

​

                                                                        Rubi takes two one-hundred dollar bills.

 

RUBI

Okay.

 

LEIF

You know how we get winded during sex? It’s a direct correlation between lack of oxygen and arousal—me and my ex-wife had some of our best sex under water, scuba diving, removing the oxygen, for just the right amount of time.  I’d like you to choke me while I masturbate.

 

Rubi stands, takes another bill from the desk.

 

 

                                                                       LEIF swivels in his chair. He grabs her hands just as                                                                           they’re about to close 'round his neck.

 

LEIF

There’s another hundred in it for you if you make me pass out.